


With a Comma After “Dearest”

by ChaoticCosmos



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Hamilton reference, Happy Ending, M/M, Song fic, already gone, big sad times, death mention, kind of, not totally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 14:49:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13460526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticCosmos/pseuds/ChaoticCosmos
Summary: I want you to know,You couldn't have loved me better,But I want you to move on,So I'm already gone.





	With a Comma After “Dearest”

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of Already Gone by Kelly Carkson but inspired by the Sleeping at Last cover.

  
   When Cisco entered his workshop, he expected to find Harry. He hadn’t been at the apartment when Cisco woke up and so he could only assume that Harry must’ve gone to the labs early. What Cisco didn’t expect to find was a silver, metal cube to be sitting on his desk. Cisco had only seen a cube like this once in his life but he knew of two very different possibilities that could be inside, one of which made his stomach drop. He picked up the cube and considered it as if it belong to Schrödinger and Cisco were the one about to find out whether the cat was dead or alive. Cisco forced himself not to feel, not to concentrate on his emotions, and not to overthink the box, but still, a large part of his mind was yelling at him to just put it down and leave the room. The cat can’t be dead if he never opens the box. The more rational part of him knew that he had to open it. Taking a deep breath, Cisco shut his eyes and pressed the button on the top of the cube. When he didn’t hear anything, other than a quiet “ _pop_ ” sound, he hesitantly cracked open an eye to peer at what had happened.

   Cisco opened both eyes and set the box back down on the desk. There was what appeared to be a handwritten letter sticking out of the box. Only when he reached out a hand to grasp the pages did Cisco notice that his hands were shaking. To think, after all he had faced, it was a couple of pieces of paper that Cisco was affraid of. Finally, he pinched the corner of the sheets and pulled them from where they sat, his eyes trying and failing to focus on the words in front of him as the mixuture of anxiety and shaking hands caused the words to blur and jump on the page. Eventually, he willed himself to relax enough to process the words.

 

_My dearest, Cisco;_

_I tried to record this for you, however, I feel that it is easier for me to convey my thoughts through writing rather than speaking, and, call me old fashion but, I thought a letter may be a more appropriate means of telling you this. Additionally, it seems whenever I try to record I only think of more to say and have to start all over again. I’ve found that there is not enough words in the multiverse to ever truly express to you your importance, and furthermore, the ink that bleeds into this paper can only do so much to mimic the love that you have bled into my veins._

_Do you remember last week when we were lying in your bed as the sun rose to bathe everything from your grey sheets, to your smooth skin, and your infinite eyes, in a golden light, mixed with pink undertones? Perhaps you couldn’t see the way it made your eyes shine as though they themselves were part of the sky; and perhaps you couldn’t see the way it made your smile look like a priceless painting; but perhaps that’s how you always look, and the sun was a mere backdrop crafted only to accentuate your beauty. I don’t believe I will ever forget the way you looked that morning while you told me about the house we were going to own one day, or the St. Bernard you insisted we would name Leia, or the sunflowers you were convinced we would place on the dining table that would sit next to the window, with the lace curtains, overlooking the country side. I will never forget the pain in my chest as I smiled back at you and agreed to the vegetable patch we would grow outside, next to the large oak tree with the swing hanging from it, while I already knew that these things would never become a reality. I wanted to tell you then, but I couldn’t bring myself to steal the masterpiece-smile from your sweet, early-morning face._

_Do you remember the next day when we caught that meta-human? When we had the bright idea to use me as bait to get her talking long enough for you to breach in and cuff her. It’s not as though I didn’t trust you, but when she raised her hands to fire a blast of lava towards me, my first instinct was to lock my hands around the pulse riffle and shoot. In the end, we caught the meta, even if that meant she got hurt. I’m sorry that I couldn’t hold out long enough for the mission to go as planned, just like I’m sorry that I couldn’t hold out long enough for this thing between us to go as planned. But I think, in the long run, we were never meant for do or die.  
I didn’t want us to burn out. Not after how truly alive being with you has made me feel. You bring so much light to the people that surround you and I’m honoured to have been one of the people who you shared that light with. But I fear that I will always be shrouded by some form of darkness that contrasts your light, so this will be the last time I let myself shadow your joy and your innocence. I didn’t come here to hurt you, but now I feel like I can’t stop. You deserve someone better and I know that you will find another, one that doesn’t always make you want to cry._

_As I’m writing this, we’re in the labs together and you’re ranting about something that happened in some show you like. You sound annoyed but the smile is never leaving your face and it’s blinding. I was wrong when I said your smile looked like art because no art could ever articulate how much beauty radiates from, not just your face but, your whole body when you smile. The way you sway your hips a little more, you seem to walk lighter on your feet, and you move around the labs with a kind of grace. Looking at you makes it harder to write this, knowing that I may never again get to see the way you move when you’re passionate about something, so for now I will have to stop writing so that I can enjoy every last second with you._

_Do you remember the first time we kissed? I remember we were fighting about something but I can’t remember what. I remember thinking how beautiful you looked. It wasn’t a new thought but something about the way your eyes shone through the irritation, or the way your cheeks flushed, and how your hands frantically moved the illustrate your point. I remember thinking about how I was supposed to be mad about whatever we were fighting about, how I should’ve been thinking about something to argue back, but all I could think about was how your lips would feel on mine. Without assessing the consequences, I moved forward to crowd you against the desk, and the anger in your eyes melted into something new, something unsure. I raised my hand to your cheek, the other to your waist. The way you looked into my eyes made me think my heart skipped a you-know-what. My eyes moved to your lips which parted perfectly, and then I leaned in. I remember the way that you lifted up partway on your toes so that we could meet, and I remember the way one of your hands rested on my shoulder while the other found purchase on my chest. I hate to sound cliché, so I won’t tell you about the sparks in the air, or the flutter in my stomach, at the contact. But I will tell that this thing started with the perfect kiss, though I’m sure we both felt the poison in it, and even “perfect” couldn’t keep this love alive._

_You know that I love you so._

_I love you enough to let you go._

_I want you to know, that it doesn’t matter where where we take this road, but someone has to go. You have so much of your life left to live and you deserve to spend that time helping and bringing light to every corner of the multiverse, without the restriction of being tethered to one person or place, but rather, with someone who will go with you to explore every inch of every world. Knowing you, you’re probably standing next to your desk with your hand near your mouth, thumb brushing just next to the dimple in your chin, while running through a mental list of what you think you could’ve done better. But I want you to know, you couldn’t have loved me better. I don’t think there’s a single person on your world, mine, or the next, capable of loving someone better than the love that you gave to me, and so I want you to find someone else, someone who deserves you, and I want you to show them all of the love that is inside of you, provided they have the ability to reciprocate that love in the ways you deserve. I want you to move on, which is why I’m already gone._

_—Yours always, Harry._

 

   Cisco’s hands shook as he pushed away the hair that had fallen in front of his face, before moving to wipe at the tears that had fallen. His mind was swimming, not sure of what to think or do, all he knew was that the tears wouldn’t stop coming and every time he opened his mouth to take a heaving breath he was betrayed by a heart-wrenching sob. A million half-formed questions ran ramped in his mind but the most prominent thought was that he had to go see Harry. Cisco didn’t hear the clicking of heels from under his own ragged breath but when he sensed someone enter the room, he looked up to find Caitlin.

   Caitlin had come to ask something but whatever it was disappeared the second she saw the state of her friend. When he looked up at her, Caitlin could see the crushing desperation and heartbreak locked in his swollen, blood-shot eyes. A look she had seen far too many times in the mirror. She didn’t have to ask when Cisco handed her the letter. She scanned the words briefly, skipping just to find the important parts and, when she was done, Caitlin slammed the letter down on the desk as a hint of anger joined the shock and empathy that had begun to swell inside of her. Caitlin pulled Cisco into a tight hug and just let him cry for as long as he needed.

   Cisco wasn’t sure how much time had past when he pulled away from Caitlin, still sniffling. Caitlin pushed Cisco’s hair from his face where it had started to stick to his cheeks and offered him a sympathetic smile.

   ‘Let’s get you cleaned up.’ She said quietly, taking her friend by the hand and leading the two of them to the nearest taps.

 

   Cisco had started spending his nights on Caitlin’s couch, unable to bring himself to go back to his own apartment. He hadn’t been back in his workshop since that morning and the letter was still somewhere on his desk. He had only been to the labs once since that morning, and even then he didn’t stay for long before deciding Caitlin’s couch was where he would rather be. Caitlin was kind and patient and accepted the fact that Cisco had basically stolen her kitchen. Caitlin wasn’t the best cook and on most days was too tired to make dinner so she appreciated Cisco’s stress-cooking.  
Almost two weeks had passed when Caitlin talked Cisco into going out to Jitters with her. He reluctantly agreed when Caitlin made a point about “ _getting out of the house._ ” She had originally suggested Big Belly Burger but changed her mind when Cisco looked down and almost instantly began to tear up.  
‘This doesn’t look like Jitters.’ Cisco muttered when he looked out the car window to see S.T.A.R Labs coming into view.

   ‘I know, I’m sorry I lied but it was the only way to get you here and I think you should see something.’ Caitlin explained. Cisco sighed but nonetheless got out of the car when it came to a stop. His movements were lazy and all Cisco felt was a heavy tiredness that didn’t seem to leave despite how much he slept. His hair was in a messy bun more often than not, he wore his glasses most days, and if he had been wearing one of Harry’s sweaters on and off for the past week then Caitlin hadn’t mentioned it.

   ‘Ha ha ha, nope. Bye.’ Was the first thing Cisco said when he walked into the Cortex only to find Jesse standing near the centre panel. Caitlin grabbed his arm when he tried to leave.

   ‘I’ll leave you two to talk.’ Caitlin insisted softly as she left. Cisco debated just following her out of the room but decided it would be unfair on Jesse. Instead he made his way into the room and leaned against the wall. He crossed his arms over himself and bunched the sleeves of the sweater in his hands, but didn’t make eye contact with the girl in the room, waiting for her to speak first.

   ‘I know this is a long shot, and you don’t have to listen to me,’ Jesse began as she linked and unlinked her hands in front of her. ‘But please can you come talk to him?’ She asked and Cisco picked up on the sadness and desperation in her voice. ‘He just keeps shutting me out and he’s almost always at work. I don’t think he’s eating or sleeping right, either, and I feel like maybe you could talk some sense into him.’ Jesse explained. Cisco didn’t respond, nor did he meet her stare, but he would nod ever now and then to show he was listening. ‘The last time he was like this was when my mother—’ she cut herself off and swallowed thickly. ‘The last time he was like this it lasted a long time, I don’t want it to happened again. I miss my dad, Cisco.’ Jesse’s voice became incredibly quiet which caused Cisco to take in how she looked. She looked so small and fragile and he suddenly remembered just how young she was. It was going to hurt, a lot, but every part of Cisco still cared about Jesse and the least he could do was help her to not lose her father.

   ‘Okay.’ Cisco said, his voice barely above a whisper as he feared the simple word would cause it to shake. Jesse’s head snapped up, from where it was focused on her hands, to look at Cisco and make sure he was really agreeing, and that she wasn’t imagining it.  
Cisco closed his eyes and focused on Earth 2. He hadn’t used his powers in almost a fortnight and it felt a little foreign but also it felt like the most natural and reinvigorating thing he could be doing. Cisco raised his palm and opened a breach. He opened his eyes and held out a hand to Jesse so that they could jump through together and, when they landed, they came out near the front of Earth 2’s S.T.A.R Labs. Cisco followed Jesse as she made her way through the building. Every time they passed someone in a suit Cisco would suddenly feel hyperaware of how he himself probably looked, and then he remembered that these were strangers from an entirely different universe and nothing really mattered anyway. Jesse was stopped at one point by a tour guide who asked if she could speak to the class that had come to visit. Eventually they reached the floor that Cisco remembered Harry’s office was on and he was forcefully reminded just why he was here. He gripped the ends of the sweater’s sleeves and shuffled awkwardly as Jesse spoke to what appeared to be a secretary.

   Jesse stayed with the secretary while Cisco made his way towards Harry’s office, anxiety ate at his every nerve when he raised his fist to knock on the door. There was no response so Cisco chose to swallow his nerves and grasp he door handle, pushing open the door and stepping into the office that he had only seen a couple of times before. The first thing he noticed was that Harry looked like shit. His heart ached when he saw the bags under the man’s eyes, the new level of paleness his skin had reached, and the mess of his hair which, in fairness, wasn’t that unusual for Harry.

   ‘No response doesn’t mean “come in”.’ Harry scorned without looking up from the paper on his desk, venom dripping from his words but mixing heavily from fatigue.

   ‘Um . . .’ Cisco didn’t know what to say. He really should’ve worked out what he was going to say before he got there but instead he’d been busy focusing on the anxiety of being in there in the first place. Harry looked up when he instantly recognised the voice of the person in his office. Cisco watched as a series of different emotions flashed through Harry’s eyes. _Shock, happiness, love, confusion, disappointment, irritation_.

   ‘What the hell are you doing here, Ramon?’ Cisco flinched involuntarily at the tone but also at the name.

   ‘Jesse thought it would be a good idea if—’

   ‘Well, Jesse thought wrong.’ He interrupted and any anxiety or sadness that writhed within Cisco turned into annoyance.

   ‘Do you want to maybe turn the attitude down for, like, 5 minutes and talk to me like an adult?’ Cisco questioned, taking a couple more steps into the room and standing up straighter. Harry looked him up and down but didn’t respond. ‘She came to me to say that you were being distant, that you hadn’t been taking care of yourself, and that that you were isolating yourself. She thought maybe I could come talk some sense into you but now I see that I’m probably out of luck.’ Harry one again stared at his paper while Cisco spoke but Cisco could tell that Harry was listening despite his façade. ‘Look, whatever happened, whatever it was that made you leave—’

   ‘I had my reasons.’ Harry interrupted once again and Cisco barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

   ‘My point is,’ Cisco insisted loudly. ‘Whatever happened, whatever there is or isn’t between us still, none of that matters. The only thing that matters right now is Jesse and I’m not going to let you shut her out just because of some stupid break up.’ He was close to yelling at this point and almost didn’t notice the way that Harry was now giving him full attention, watching his every movement. ‘Some part of me will always love you, Harry, I know that for a fact, but I’m not going to let that get in the way of me living my life, and you can’t either. She’s your daughter, she needs you, and you need her. So, don’t you dare shut her out.’ Cisco stared at Harry for a few seconds more when he finished speaking. ‘And just one more thing,’ he tested, his voice softer now as he decided to push his luck. ‘I know you and H.R will never get along, but, reading that letter, I don’t think the two of you are all that different. All I’m saying is, I’ve never read such a beautifully crafted break up letter.’ He joked sadly. His heart hurt when he looked at Harry and he had to blink away another set of tears that were trying to form, but he saw his own pain reflected in Harry’s eyes and he couldn’t decide if it made him feel better or worse. There were a few seconds where no one said anything and so Cisco took this as a cue to leave. ‘Goodbye, Harry.’ He mumbled before turning to make his way back towards to door.

   ‘Cisco,’ Harry said it so quietly that Cisco wasn’t sure if he’d really heard his name, he turned back to Harry, holding the door open slightly. ‘Thank you.’ Was all he said. Cisco swallowed hard and nodded, then left, and that was the last time Harry saw Cisco for almost a year. He contacted the secretary to send Jesse in. They spoke, and then that night they had dinner together, and then the next night they had movie night, and things still hurt, but they got easier.

   The next time Harry saw Cisco, he had fallen down the stairs after being breached into Allen and West’s apartment by a short girl wearing head to toe black leather. The pair had a small argument which ended in the girl saying how they were “ _connected_ ” and a part of Harry’s heart ached when he saw the utter love and admiration Cisco held for the woman who stood above him. When the pair finally realised they weren’t alone they made their way over to the rest of the team and Harry discovered the girl’s name was Cindy. Harry wasn’t sure how to feel when Cisco looked him up and down.

   ‘Harry.’ He noted, sounding breathless, unsure, and mostly hurt. Harry had found out that his doppelgänger had been killed earlier that night and so he was sure his being there was a painful reminder of a number of things.

   ‘Here to help.’ Harry informed.

   ‘Good.’ Was all Cisco responded.

 

   When everything was over, Harry sought out Jesse who was on Earth 3. They spoke, and then that night they had dinner together, and then the next night they had movie night, and things still hurt, but they got easier. Harry figured things would always hurt, but knowing Cisco was with someone perfect for him, and knowing he was happy, that made things easier. Maybe one day he could return and things wouldn’t hurt so much, and things would be easy, but for now he had Jesse, and what more could he need?

**Author's Note:**

> IT SAYS “MY DEAREST ANGELICA”  
> WITH A COMMA AFTER “DEAREST”  
> YOU’VE WRITTEN “MY DEAREST,
> 
> ANGELIA”  
> ANYWAY ALL THIS TO SAY—  
> hope y’all enjoyed but if not ur more than welcome to form an andy mob and track me down provided there are pitchforks and torches.
> 
> just btw i edited and posted this at 3:30am so there’s probably mistakes still lol whoops.


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